The problem with western Medicine is it very rarely fixes any problems without causeing a few more. Here are some glasses you can see all day now but you’ll get migraines at night or here some morphine to take away the pain, you didn’t have to shit did u cuz you won’t be able to for the next three days now. When I was a 17 year old passionate punk and violent anarchist at every political event In the state I was in at the time to protest etc. so needless to say I was vegan as fuck at the time so was my girl. Same one, forever. Then we moved to the west coast on 39 seconds notice destroying my stepdads house on the way out of the state. I was a spice manufacturer at the time making bout 5-7 keys at a time working out to costing 13.5 cents a gram n sold it for ten to fifteen bucks a g. I was only 17 at the time and I got my mom a date with one of my clients while she was still married to the douchebag so he turned in at least six keys to the police but did so in a such a manner that no one but him could be incriminated but the molecules I used were always unscheduled while I was using them. Freedoms vegimyte was my brand name n it helped lots of private gas stations buy out their own corner store n a switch gas suppliers. It’s interesting seeing your effect on the world especially then when everything was exiting. So on when went stopping In Elkhart Indiana the armpit of the fucking universe for about a month while we staid with my old man who I’d just tracked down while still facing 700 years to life in prison for lsd manufacture and sale and methamphetamine manufacture and sale which he only had one year left till I turned twenty marking his 20 years and the statute of limitations meaning my father was again a free man soon enough. Then off we went in our just bought Jeep Liberty with the Pugh n two cats one of which we got in Indiana from a litter that obviously wasn’t going to last long by themselves. Stopping at every headshop between PA n Pdx looking for spice but a nation wide ban was going on n just scraped our bowls the whole way n found weed when we got there. We were all going insane cuz we didn’t have it and I had gotten us all addicted to the shit. Which seems funny to say now that I’m on an opiate regiment for the rest of my life and forgetting my pills could have me in trouble within 12 hours. Real trouble not spice trouble. Seemed so hard at the time but being on opiates is harder than kicking spice, kicking opiates is for those that don’t feel physical pain before they get sick. Judge me all you want iv said it all to myself and worse. Upon arriving to west coast wearing a punk vest I’d made myself with natty white boy dreads n vegan as fuck I noticed everyone had dreads n a punk vest so I cut the dreads out with a switchblade in a motel six bathroom n took my vest off for good. One thing il never do is fit in. I stopped being vegan too it was too easy out here I’d said at the time. Iv switched the brand and dose numerous times and it doesn’t matter it’s been five years now n been on opiates under doctors orders for past three years and he’s made it very clear with my condition il be on them for the rest of my life and that no doctor would ever contend that. Starting opiates at the age of twenty means I have my work cut out for me. I wish I’d known what I was signing up for at the time not that it would have changed anything just would have been easier mentally and emotionally. It’s hard to depend on anything but especially a drug. I have to be numb but aware of every feeling so I have to be in total control of how I feel all the time. It’s crazy going from being a juveniles case “drug addict” to an adult forced medically into being an addict of numerous substances all more serious than what I really fucked with as a kid. Only grunge understands me, a 90s kid by birth trade n practice n I make no fucking apologies. Which brings me to the reason I started this post. I’m changing my diet up again and going vegan. Not so much by choice but I feel it’s medicly necessary at this point cuz I can’t pass anything more solid than vegetable protein so I can’t eat at all currently I’m already underweight but at least il be able to eat all I want this way and not worry about processing it.
Seeing it all in person. The lights and beer signs, dozens of tvs all playing the nfc championship which Carolina destroyed Arizona during. People seeming to care so much about the game that they couldn’t possibly know what careing feels like. Disingenuous. The bar tender had a lisp. An old lady almost hugged me in her drunken excitement upon finding out the patriots had lost to Denver in the afc championship played just minutes before.exited Myself I almost hugged her back. Take that Tim Brady she shrieked. This dear old woman was speaking for my demonic side. It was nice to have a break. I didn’t even think to tell her it was tom Brady. Five Jell-O shots I didn’t think to ask the contents of and two pina coladas later my lady and I were buzzed as fuck cuz drinking hasn’t been a regular part of our even yearly schedual for some time now. Brought me back to penn state games on campus bars I got into as a kid with fake ids or knowing someone working the door that symester depending on my location. When we beat Ohio state at a home game we stormed the field a rioted turning over cop cars n people getting mased. Fuck the Buckeyes is all you could hear in any direction. I saw more passion there than all the occupy protests I was later part of. Did more damage too, kind of sad really but I’m over changing the world. Earned my jaded badge like the best of them and use “the system” to my own means of progress. I much rather have a small part of earth to mold to my n girls liking. A nest. The rest can burn. Tick Tok in da morning babitsawabistyebesovya
Things sometimes appear more fluent when times are most stressful l, while in rhythm anyway. But then at the peak of everything that felt progressive all crumbles destroying any progress made as well as setting things back a few frames on the way down. 1 step forward six steps back. What use is any success when a failure is brought up as reminder each time making the completion of somtying feel empty and in vain. It’s more than hurtful it’s emotionally debilitating. To make things worse it’s made out like my previous failures are to blame for all current problems to begin with. Which is plainly untrue. I’m a man. I take responsibility for all of my fucking actions apologize when necessary and move on. I’m too ambitious to caught up on the small shit. I have too much riding on me to get sidetracked now.
Xanax and fu-Ki plum wine was designed for coming down off the the Peruvian flake. It was so good this time there was pink streaks from the knife still left in the chunk I got a small porcel of simply for our my head. Gave a wonderful touch to the day and infinitely more productive. The entire upstairs got cleaned so peice by peice we’ll have this house ready to be viewed and sold so we can get ours and move on from this dreadful money pit that I tried really hard to turn into a home for all of us. But something perminant is on the horizon. Looking at acreage etc. it’s all so stressful and all at once but I suppose that’s just how things happen. It’s momentum, inertia, karma, Tao whatever you want to call it, I feel it’s current presence breathing down my neck like the train wreck elections soon to go in that I’m doing my very best to hear very little about while still hear real news from round the world which is becoming more and more difficult by the week. I don’t think it will be getting better till the damn things over anyway. Then we have months of headlines describing all the broken promises occurring at the time. It’s a fractal you see. Poli is many and tics are blood sucking insects that spread the man made disease of Lyme which I have oddly enough. Tic bite years back had a target logo on the side of my leg for a week and il have chronic Lyme for the rest of my life. Lymes disease isn’t treated correctly. At the hospital or Doctor they just give you a very harsh regiment of anti biotic a like amoxicillin but they don’t give you anything to flush the antibodies from the Lyme that are now dead in your body along with a lack of information on the subject. So have learning that years later the anti bodies have traveled to my joints kidneys and liver and will crystallize over the years, give me it’s own variety of arthritis then kill me, ten years sooner than if I wouldn’t have contacted and treated lunes disease, with liver or kidney failure. Bright future and the most wonderful part of it all is that of all my health issues that’s the least of my problems.
“It’s great to be a vagabond musician but I need some security now.” Soko
A gallon n half of very concentrated vegetable glycerine tincture sits there curing on the counter. Hearing the grind of broken glass against tyle as I walk where I smashed my pipe on the floor last night. I hope it ruins my two hundred dollar sheepskin slippers that look to be on my feet currently. I was wondering why it didn’t hurt.
I suppose I could bottle all this up now but it’s still to dark to see through so I might as well dilute it more. The money is the motive or used to be not that it’s the only motive but certainly wouldn’t be walking this path of it weren’t paying off on some level. I can hold everything together In the world of business and medecine I’m in fact respected by my peers and competition alike. Pptsd holds me back especially recently that’s because I let it though. The cool part about an actors job is that they get to go home unless they’re any good then they have problems coming out of character like Jared Leto and Johnny dep. I never get the opportunity to go out of character and it drives the skin right off my flesh everyday like mental exema more n more manic and hateful every moment.But it’s surely been earned at this point right?
Pain can be a social advantage when utilized correctly. Humans think and see in frames and since most of our communication relys on both than you can map out a conversation in similar frames. Pain has the tendency to ensure urgency, take my word for just a second if you don’t know that as fact yourself from experience as I believe I do. So first recognizing the frames for what they are while applying your own breed of urgency to the situation depending on the amount of pain your feeling/ able to to transfer into kinetic energy that’s controllable you can in theory spend less time in each frame and know where each conversation could be heading before the other person does. If that doesn’t already show you the possibilities then don’t bother reading anything of mine it won’t be of interest or your caliber.
I hope I lose everything iv ever worked for tday. I hope every last bit of hell iv gone through these past couple years is proven in vain so I’m justified in putting the biggest hole in my head possible with the Arsenal iv accumulated. So give me a reason go ahead as if the hole in the wall from the last time isn’t reminder enough il do it. Yea I played Russian roulette last month sitting on my very own I comfort. It was a five shot Ruger Rogue Tamer five shot 9mm hammer less revolver. I heard it go off as it was positioned in my right ear just about n I moved the gun just quick enough to go deaf in that ear for the day n see a hole appear inches away rom my heads shadow. I want to say it was eye opening but I couldn’t stop laughing for long enough after that I forgot to play a second round. A one in five chance n I hit it. Some of us are luckier than others I suppose.
It’s a strain relative to Cinderella 99 which is by no means an equal. The only other strain like it from my experience is gorilla glue #4 which is a more recently breed strain. Cinex is a couple years old but relatively new to the cannabis world as swell and both are very difficult to grow. The cinex I’m currently smoking a 4g cigar of in a royal blunts wrap is very earthy and pungent with purple center Calexis. It’s 29 percent thc and 9.6 percent cbd which is incredible. It can put you to sleep or wake you up your choice really but distracts from the pain sufficiently everytime in the correctly executed usual cocktail if come to depend on over the years. Cinex and gorilla glue both playing a crucial role. I stay well on cbd and get high from thc and thcv so a plant that provides both and combined with mango enzones consumed around the same time so your body procesesses the delta nine into delta nine v which is the activated form of thcv first found in South African strains of the cannabis plant. It helps my social anxiety brought on by my ppst. Prolonged post traumatic stress disorder. There’s other parts to my cocktail as well I suppose ill touch on this later in time. I have the habit of writing a notebook then flipping out and ripping and burning it all so this is sort of a fail safe for that. I’m just warming up to the pen so to speak I have a lot that needs to come out and it’s not just mindless babble like iv been publishing for the past week eirher. Not that it matters I really don’t want anyone to read this in the first place and if it happens fuck it but the min someone I know or a pig discovers my feed because I am a medicine man by trade which can be construed as illegal by the USA but they can go fuck themselves too but I’d just print it all out shut it down and make a new one.
The worst part of no one around you knowing what your going through isnt having to add an extra stress to every stress by having to explain it implicitly but that it’s so ill received after the fact that I have no energy left even to defend my point after its made which I shouldn’t have to do to anyway. It’s hard enough to tell someone their own flaws and pains but to have it thrown back hurts more than the Initial injury because before the injury had purpose a lesson now it’s just ill received so having a demon and having to hide it too. Welcome to paradise I feel like I could teach a class on the subject at this point. Living at hoodburger taught me that you earn being jaded day by day and if you work hard enough you can make whatever you want happen. Turning pain into gain has been my school of life. Got my grade ten julian
Watching the Sundance Film Festival nominated indie HBO documentary for the second night in a row to fall asleep. The irony of nodding off to Kurdt Kobain doc isn’t lost with me. I romanticize the similarities in his and I existences probably too much. Especially as a teenager more over it now but still in love with nirvana’s music and watch n read everything on the subject I can find. More of a hobby now than anything. I’m one of the few die hard fans that believes he killed himself and that the shell ricochet off his leg after discharging the chamber launching it to his other side where it was later recovered by detectives. The last four lines of his suicide not are under question but those four sentences are supported by the rest of the letter. I do believe however that the hole album live through this that was released the year of Kurdt’s death was written by him and she took his music after his death. Great album. Blunt n bed cinex motherfuckers
I payed the price of life itself only to watch all my heroes die. When your holding everything up what are you supposed to stand on. I would give it all away if every decision I make didn’t effect the livelihood of a large few that I wouldn’t be able to not care about Evan if I could fathom such a change of heart, which I can’t, incidentally. So purgatory it is. Me myself and Daniel Johnston. In a dark smoky Poppy fueled rooms that only a large glass of fu-Ki and massive cannabis cigar seem to calm the energies in enough and force blunt trauma my thought processing to a level of contiousness that I suppose some would communicate as content. Honestly the only reason I’m anywhere at all is sleeping next to me and turned 24 roughly an hour ago. Everything else is just settled on to fill time. Just another day in paradise so let’s make it a hood burger n advertise mass suicide on tv as a tax break for population control. I’ve earned being jaded so you can simply go fuck yourself and I love my beretta being able to make the loudest noise I can possibly think if at any given time is a wonderful power. I just felt like I had to mention her too she’s almost an extension of my being and my first means of defense. I will have no one come onto my property and do anything but get shot so don’t become a Jehovah’s Witness any time soon value sanity mister mulder and trust no one.