Ketamine PTSD and y Kratom sucks ass

Translate fractals Standing next to the bed watching some Japanese anime shit my fiancé put on. N it wasn’t nearly as interesting before I took my nightly dose of ketamine. Iv been snorting 5mg two or three times over the last hour of the day. In California they’ve been making major headway in PTSD treatment with ketamine over the past year or so. I suffer from prolonged post traumatic stress disorder, the difference from standard PTSD being that instead of one traumatic event I spent years in traumatic life threatening and inhuman conditions. it wasn’t cool to bust parents for child abuse until I was a teenager so iv supressed the first ten years of my life and relive the experiences and gain new memories every night in my sleep. Ketamine is a disassociative so enables me to be more of a spectator in my flashbacks rather than an unwilling actor. 

I am a drug user/addict on multiple levels but I never really liked ketamine until recently and I don’t enjoy k holes at all. I know to stop when a warm tingle hits my spine. A little too much and your virtually incapacitated starring at the fractals the light on the other side of your eyelids provides which your mind translates for u like the white noise effect. Ketamine I wouldn’t consider a recreational drug although many of my peers would disagree with me. But it really does help my flashbacks more than anything iv found yet. Kratom effects my PTSD the worst this is virtually a caution label. Native American tribes used Kratom to recall past lives really they were digging deep into their earliest memories, you can see already where this is going. I wake up unsure if everything how old I am etc and Kratom not only caused it but prolonged my confused state upon waking up so there was chaos for hours. 



Means shit to tip your hat, to a generation paid in raspberry beret’s. Hope burried even deeper than decaying carcasses of our heroes. When free means only paying taxes. When you can’t afford to be neutral on a moving train but are amyway. K hole through time back to the way it was. I used to loath the world for not understanding and for all the struggles I faced that others didn’t. Only to realize that’s what made me who I am and that you can’t grow without struggle. I face my PTSD every night by my days are spent with the love of my life building a family and a future for all involved. Tao  

Rejection has an interesting place in the human mind. Close enough to remember how it feels, lest we forget how important it is avoid for our self esteem via our ego’s sake. Stomaching a nice big helping takes years of being torn apart to tolerate. It still hurts. Realizing your just the biggest waist of time isn’t easy to hear. But it isn’t far from the truth. Your as big a peice of shit as you’ve been told all along. To have thought any different was wishful thinking. Your just a fucking idiot. That doesn’t know anything and should just fucking kill myself because that’s all I make the people around me want to do. I’m expected to accept that I’m the entire problem and be there sympathetically. Why not just fucking kill myself if I’m the problem il just remove it. As I watch the love of my life just throw everything iv made up until this point around the room like it took no effort to get at all. Well fuck it, if I’m not gonna bother living through the night who gives a fuck what’s left of my shit. I havnt talked to my family since my birthday, more my fault than anyone’s again. Not that I’d have anything to say even if I did talk to them. I have nothing in common with them it’s hard to hold a conversation that’s more than talk about the weather. So I just classicly make everything worse so I’m done trying for anyone’s sake anymore. I hate myself as much as you do already bitch. You make me want to die in front of you just to make a point. A physical reference point instantly created in your mind displaying the true and actual nature of the demon that hides just beneath the surface. The never ending black pit of putrid ugly spoiled anger resentment and hatred bubbling over the edge of my eyes like the tears that I should have cried years ago. But held back and used them to fuel my hatred to the point of being completely consumed. There’s no room for anything else left apparantly, so your rejection can go fuck itself iv been feeling worse than you could ever make me feel already, give me one more reason and on my fathers grave il be fucking dead by morming. im done feeling guilt and im over feeling lonely. im by no means perfect but walking on eggshells isnt as easy as it sounds. blame whatever you want, your just angry and

Datura wyrmwould

to all those whome it may concern

Monday session at the dab bar

Rosin vaporizing junkies’ unite every Monday at the dab bar. If you plan on sitting downstairs, you better plan on bringing your 10,000 dollar glass bong, fitted with a quartz banger and capped with a mothership carb cap. Don’t forget to have as many alcohol wipes a cue tips as a pediatric nurse during flu season to soak up all the half smoked oil and wipe off every surface you come in contact with. And don’t forget to bring a 1000 dollar cannon camera on a stand so you can angle it perfectly for the videos you take of every dab so all your Instagram fans don’t miss your next overly romanticized high. So let’s all mash giant samiches and try our hardest not to pull any of the ten bitches that showed up with all 200 guys cuz it’s not like we can bring them back to moms house this late anyway. The sesh ends at midnight!!! Isn’t that nifty?!?!?! 

I am the Howard Roarke at every one of these Monday “seshes.” There I sit with a Mexican bottled squirt and  I’m high as a kite laughing at the small batch medical community that smears at the profit based market they don’t have the balls, money, experience, or connections for. The government made medical to profit off of the black market. I go to dispensaries for the benefits of being able to get a wide selection of products at absurd rates that my wallet can handle due to my unerst efforts in the cannabis business. For every ten thousand dollar bong those kids spend five years saving up for Ive broken and not cared. Maybe I’m just a cynical prick but fuck you I’ve earned it. 

Matt smith famous modern Doctor who

My fiancé and I went on an adventure to a world completely new to me. Wizard con it was interesting with all these people dressed up as things I didn’t recognize mostly but there was a lot of Doctor impersonators that I did. But Matt smith himself was there to sign autographs if you wanted to pay the hundred bucks. So I did , and waited in line for two hours playing music on our phone which seemed to offend the people around us although passive aggressively conveyed. But we made it up there and they gave us a picture and he did we were great fans and just before I turned to leave, I slid him a joint in a plastic tube to him a cross the table. Which he recognized a second later and quickly and tastefully put it under the table as the whole world is watching. It just makes me feel great thinking that tonight he’s probably enjoying some American grown pot in his hotel room. I wonder what British weed is like and what strains are popular over there.. Hmm the wonders of the world I have yet see but yurn to obtain. Gorilla glue #4 is the strain Matt smith could be smoking right now and jusfully so it’s 29.37 percent thc and 3 percent cbd. The finest of the fine.


Why don’t we fuck on the kitchen sink?

Cuz I’m too fucking short, it smells like cat shit anyway. Cuz your lazy and didn’t scoop the litter box yet today. 

Blood trickles down shaven legs 

Stains white socks, turns brown and unhappy

Your fucking beautiful when your bleeding. So I brush the hair from your eyes. Then you shave your eyebrows like you have since long before we meet. 

I miss it when you used to bite me. Your some dirty stray bitch and I’m your nasty rusted yellow fire hydrant that you piss on every day. 

I love you

Front door inconsistency 

Red bmw for Deutschland in the mailbox of USA 

Sea foam green dominos spray out the driver seat door, in rythm with the music like an open heart surgery gone rave    Out front 

Fingerless crackheads grinding their, now nub appendages on the red tinted pavement

Basketball sized crack rocks, rolling steadily down the street

Always inches from their bloody grasp

I think one tried to give me thumbs up

So I flipped him off and watched him dash after the ever rolling last rock

Nevermind the millions

They’ll make themselves for someone else, someone who can play dominos with ecstasy on dimethyl playgrounds inside the business blind third eye mind hybridization of a fourth dimensional hive

A spiritual motive

For a metaphysical fight 

Each step ending the beginning of another life

Perpetual objectivism, a poem

Purple laboradors      

Lounging in the French breezeway,

Complimenting the entrails left behind

By the gleaming soul architect,

The Roarks in our age of Keatings

That build only to keep building

Even if it means bearing the soulless ostrich of manufactured architect’s bleatings that echo beyond bland blocks designated for those manipulated to find security in reveling in scenic monotone and disregard pleasure as defilement of the flesh

Gushers of my Haribo heart

Fall to the marble with every trudge past the New York Times

As it blows through the streets of what I hope to be time yet I bleed to be endless

Beliefs aren’t what you want them to be, they are what you feel you can’t escape

Dab bar birthday avacango cake experience 

Extremely medicated cake and Viking metal completed the environment at the Dab bar it appears we frequent now. D nails at every bar stool that a valcano vaporizer isn’t sitting. Very classy a cozy with a firepit equipped enclosed back patio with a clean and private bathroom perfect for private drug use. Which being my birthday was a commodity well appreciated. Cocaine is a substance that easily breaks down social barriers so at the correct dose a public setting is perfect for for a bit fish scale consumption. The place was buzzing with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of glass being passed from individual to individual while asserting the oils superiority that they provided at set passing of extremely expensive glass peice. The Oregon “heady” crowd is like that of no other. Clicks but honest with a hint of competion lingering on the edge of every good deed. I like the purpose of it all. The assertion of overall progression through networking and passing of information. All the “industry players” frequent the club that mostly being the reason we do now. We go around and systematically try the products of those we sermise present that makes their own, and depending on codys opinion of the quality, I do and socialize with the individual until they are comfortable with giving me their contact info to do further business. We work very well together by accident and him and I have the same complex of work being our fun that iv discovered is rare on this coast at least. Which is a total advantage. 

Overall the system works very well and people know us by title there already so bringing in and exchanging products with established brands isn’t far off. We do so already I just mean new local company’s, most that we know are hours away where it grows, logically it will always be cheaper in that region. It mostly being outdoor leaves a gap in an inventory we look to the local companies to fill that focus on dewaxing their product more thoroughly. Making our own will solve all the problems we currently have with oil supply but will bring new ones. The scale that hope to be producing will still require outside material which is another area that the contacts we are developing locally will become prudent. I was given a manituska thunderfuck clear oil cartridge for my birthday ontop of gratuitous amounts of different varieties of shatter. The cake out me into a coma for the entreaty of the following day. Even made me sleep walk, I suppose I consumed somewhere in the ballpark of 400-500mg of thc through the cake which also had mango enzymes and fresh mango slices which happen to increase the potency of delta nine thc in the human body by 25%. Ontop of dab after dab followed by volcano bag after volcano bag. So needless to say when the Coke wore off so did my contiousness. It was a wonderful night and the first good birthday iv had ever if you believe it or not. I owe it all to my beautiful soulmate who was selfless enough to put any current problems aside and make sure I had a good day. It meant more to me than I could ever tell her in person without blushing. I never had the small things and her working so hard to make sure I had them is more than I deserve or have had anyone do for me ever. We are building the life for ourselves that wev always invisioned. I promised her a world of our own and we are so close to achieving it. Having children seemed like a bad joke the rest of the world was the punchline for this whole time. But being part of a blood line so important I feel it an injustice to the universe to not pass down the brilliance of the woman before me. With her brilliance and my ambition our offspring could achieve more than both of us could dream of. So after this property I need to build an environment while at the same time get enough cash to have this offsprings of ours financially set from the start. If there whole life was paid for when they were concieved then they have the room time and means to continue the growth of the legacy well have set before them and have really been working on this whole time under several pretenses of the years. 

Rice pudding

I woke up at 7 am in sever pain so I threw on the cure disintegration album took my morphine n standing here next to my bed smoking opiated hash oil waiting for the real deal to kick in. I just received a letter from my old friend Niles who is currently in jail but winning an appeal of the court case. He’s just going to be in for the duration of the trial his lawyer is 85 percent sure and he has a really strong case for dismissal. He’s one of the most amazing people iv ever meet and doesn’t belong in jail. We meet at a protest and he joined the chapter of food not bombs me n my fiancé were running at the time to feed the local homeless once a week. He’s just battling addiction problems, which I have a hard time seeing as too different from my struggle even though mine is directly from a doctor with a prescription. Humanity has everything backwards and it claims a lot of innocent lives. But that’s natural selection survival of the fittest. Dragons blood incense is said to create the environment for a better opium experience so I have some lit hoping it Some how speeds this up. My leg is locked in place right now, I took a flexerol too so I should be able to move shortly. It’s almost bismal yet darkly funny but I’m only 22 I feel like I’m 50. I have so much shit to do but I’m so tired and had the worst time sleeping all night. Not to mention I took a large enough dose that it’s a sure thing I’m going back to fucking sleep.